Clutch the Pearls

Thieves dig underground tunnel to pull off epic Hollywood-style robbery, elaborate heist steals away $20-30 million in jewels from famed Damiani showroom in Milan!

Seriously, get this: This past Sunday -- as a number of Oscar attendees were wearing Damiani jewels during the annual awards show -- the jeweler's showroom was taken hostage by thieves in Milan.

After digging an underground tunnel from an adjacent building, four thieves wearing fake police uniforms snuck into the Damiani store, tied up staff members and lifted millions in designer jewels. According to reports, the men were able to avoid video surveillance cameras and did not trip off a single alarm. Police are investigating a possible inside job.

I suspect Bugs Bunny. He should have taken that left at Alberkerky. Seriously, the first thing that went though my mind was that these guys are a bunch of stoners who watch way too many cartoons. I picture a giant saw poking through the baseboards, cutting a circle in the floor underneath a giant, twenty-billion carrot diamond -- which led me to the conclusion about Bugs. He's always digging tunnels and is totally into carrots. I've deduced he's the ringmaster of this whole operation!

I'd make an awesome detective.

The Littlest Bodybuilder

Read his story here

Toe Thumb

Sweet baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

I sincerely thought my eyes were deceiving me when I saw this photo with the accompanying headline; "Carpenter Replaces Severed Thumb with Big Toe."

Toe Thumb!

Obviously, having an opposable thumb is a good thing -- about 40 percent of hand function depends upon it -- and as a carpenter he clearly works with his hands. I'm all for freaky Dr. Frankenstein-type surgery, but I would suggest however, after you've cut off your own damn thumb that maybe it's time to rethink your career path.

UPDATE: They found Jesus

It's common for people to say they've found Jesus, but this time it's for real.

That chick in Michigan has recovered her beloved concrete Jesus statue.

The story takes a weird turn, as it was revealed a family member stole away into the night with the so-called heirloom. Does this mean the wiener poopie note was a clever ploy to throw everyone off, because if so that's pure genius. Genius! A plan so well constructed, nobody will ever discover the real culprit! Oh, wait.

To protect herself in the future, I suggest she should get GPS for Jesus. It worked in Florida. Seriously.

Twins Separated at Birth Accidentally Marry

Estranged Twins Unwittingly Marry

Ok, so get this shit! Wait, did you read that link? Well, then you probably already got it. Brother and sister wed! Sickness.

Now, I don't know how it happened -- because I bookmarked the story last week and am far too lazy to go back and read it -- but somehow these two never realized they were related. Really?

So much for all that crap about twins having some sort of physic bond. Bondage maybe, in this case, but that's just gross. Not bondage, siblings doing it with each other. Bondage is hot.

I honestly have to wonder if they didn't suspect something or another. Perverts. Usually perverseness is a plus in my book, we all know this, so of course I started thinking about deep stuff like society and how we establish relationships.

Without the environmental factors in place that predetermine the parameters of their relationship, here, brother and sister -- and twins at that -- developed romantic feelings for one another. Once you strip away general ethics of society, you don't know any better so it can't be wrong. Right?

Yah, confusing.

I'd like to think I'd know better! But who am I kidding. If I have an estranged sibling, I've probably already fucked them. Twice.

Unwittingly, of course.

Sue Your Drug Dealer

Another reason to move to Canada!

In the land up there, ex-crystal meth addicts can sue their former dealers. -- "In her statement of claim, Bergen said Davey knew the drug was highly addictive and the sale of the drug was "for the purpose of making money but was also for the purpose of intentionally inflicting physical and mental suffering on Sandra."

Bitch overdosed and suffered a heart attack. -- "Bergen is seeking damages in excess of $50,000 for medical costs and legal fees."

She already won the case. A hearing will determine the amount of blood money, I mean drug money, I mean...how much she gets in the case from some dude low enough on the action where he's week by week and probablly addicted himsef. Just saying.

What a wonderful fucked up world we live in.


Ex-crystal meth addict successfully sues dealer

New Study States the Obvious

A new study has linked drinking with -- wait for it -- promiscuous sexual activity.

No fucking way! That's sincerely groundbreaking. I don't mean the sex and drinking part, I mean that they actually had to perform a study to determine those results. A new level of scientific stupidity.

You don't have to conduct any survey. Just look at that picture above, all shitfaced and about to pass out on the floor.

Sexy.

Teen Pregnancy Is All The Rage

This week, headlines screamed: Teen Celebrity Baby Shocker!

First of all this is not shocking. Teen girls are popping out babies every single day, in case you didn't know.

"The United States has the highest teen pregnancy rate in the western world, despite the fact that our teens are not more sexually active than Swedish teens, or Canadian teens, or British teens." (stat source)

We must remember, in all this, that the Virgin Mary was an unwed teenage mother.

Lawrence Lee, the pastor who's Virgin Mary graphic I swiped for this entry, writes: "...it makes me enter into the Christmas story in a new way, through the eyes of a young girl who has no more idea how her future will unfold than we do. It's easy to look back on history and admire people because we know how the story turns out. When you are in the midst of events you don't have that luxury."

Some people have the capacity to open their minds to the reality of life outside their station, and seriously, amen to that.

A few choice message board posts from around the net...my comments in bold

--from a publisher, set to release an upcoming autobiography from the mother of the pregnant teen celebrity:
"We believe in redemption. Therefore, we are standing with [the] family during this difficult time. Though the book has been delayed, we believe God is at work. The story is still being written, and we are confident in His ability to turn ashes into beauty." In theory this is actually a beautiful sentiment. As long as it is also applied outside a selective group deemed worth of redemption in the first place.

--from a celebrity blog comments section:
"I have a 7 year old daughter and 10 year old son who watched...on a regular basis. It was one of my daughter’s favorite shows. Now I’ve had to have a talk with my children that I thought I would not have for a few years. Wait, you're 10-year-old doesn't know where babies come from? Have they never once seen pregnant lady and asked why her belly is so big? I'm confused! I had to explain to my 7 year old daughter that this CHILD is pregnant with a CHILD and that this is not something that is expectable. Dear Internet lady, you make no sense. Expectable? As in, "likely or certain" ..? If you're having heterosexual sex, a baby is quite likely and, eventually, rather certain. If, as I suspect, you meant "acceptable," then -- as I also strongly suspect -- you're a dumb ass. I have fully explained to my children why they will no longer be allowed to view this network or television show. Absolutely! See no evil, as they say. This is my personal choice because I will not allow my children to watch a show where the lead actress is a 16 year old teenage mother. It is not about judgment -- BULLSHIT! -- it is about me raising my children and teaching them about better life choices! This little girl is not someone that I want my little girl to look up to." So you'd rather, instead, that she scorns and shuns those who have a different life situation that she does. Madam, I'm sorry to say, that's the very definition of a bigot.

--a general reply to such sentiments, on the same thread:
"Instead of closing your eyes and staying on this hypocritical and puritan consideration about sex (no it won't happen to my children, they are angels, they wouldn't do it to me), face the reality and provide them with information about HIV and pregnancy." My thoughts exactly! Whoever wrote this, I can only imagine, is as attractive as they are intelligent. Also, well hung.

Bad Santa

The Canadian post office, along with their police squad, are on the hunt for a very naughty little boy or girl -- who wrote obscene letters to children on behalf of Santa Claus.

Damn, why didn't I think of that.

"Dear Timmy,
You're annoying, ugly and stupid! It's your fault your parents got divorced and you made grandma sick, God rest her soul. You deserve a lifetime of nothing.
Love, Santa
p.s. Your dog didn't run away, he got ran over."

Well, that's what I'd write. One can only guess what the letters really said, as the report did not detail their content. However the author skillfully implied the recipients were scared for life. As a writer, I admire that -- you have to do something to keep it interesting.

Now, you may be asking yourself: how did all this happen? You see, our neighbors to the north have a special H0H 0H0 Canadian postal code. Return letters from Santa are in fact written by employees and volunteers. Mystery solved. Postal employees should never be trusted because you never know what's going to set them off. Everyone should know this by now.

"We firmly believe there is just one rogue elf out there," a Canada Post spokeswoman said.

A rogue elf? Enough with the lies, bitch. This is what people get for deceiving children -- Christmas is a fraud!


(Story: Reuters)

Sick Sad World

"Sometimes what's right isn't as important as what's profitable."
--Trey Parker and Matt Stone (creators of 'South Park')

From Doggy Prozac to jackets lined with dog fur: 101-Dumbest Moments in Business

It's nearing the end of 2007, did you know? I can always tell, not by the calendar but an over abundance of lists and lists of things we were supposed to care about but probably didn't.

Below, I've picked some of my favorite dumb moments in the legacy that will be '07; thanks to those Forbes bitches for doing the work for me! They're quoted, my personal quips follow.

"Lawyers representing Procter & Gamble send a 66-page cease-and desist letter to British sex-toy company Love Honey, demanding that it stop using images of its Oral B electric toothbrushes to promote a product called the Brush Bunny; a rabbit shaped piece of plastic that slips over the top of an Oral B to turn it into a vibrator."
-- While in Central America earlier this year, my friend and I met a vibrating tooth brush enthusiast who swore by its magical clitoris-stimulating powers. No plastic applicator top needed. When questioned about his continued use of the toothbrush for it's intended purpose after such activity, his reply was "I already ate that pussy anyway, so what's the difference?" He's by far my favorite American tourist in a foreign country I've ever met.

"Rapper Jay-Z, founder of the Rocawear clothing line, is taken to task by the Humane Society after it finds that the “faux fur” in jackets sold by his company is actually dog fur."
-- Yet another reason never to purchase items from a celebrity clothing line.

"Japanese manufacturer Toto apologizes to customers and offers free repairs for 180,000 high-tech toilets, thrones that feature heated seats, air purifiers, blow dryers, and water sprayers, after at least three catch fire. "Fortunately nobody was using the toilets when the fire broke out," says a company spokesman. "The fire would have been just under your buttocks."
-- Ass fire is awesome. Even potential ass fire.

"Co-op Funeralcare, a funeral home in Dunfermline, Scotland, says it is investigating reports that employees routinely used the cremains of the departed to keep passersby from slipping on icy sidewalks. “There’s every chance people living nearby will have walked through the remains,” an ex-employee says."
-- I guess they were out of salt.

"The state of Connecticut sues Best Buy for setting up in-store kiosks set to a website that looks identical to bestbuy.com but lists higher prices than those they would actually find online."
-- Oh, price gauging is illegal now? Let me know when Connecticut sues the gas companies.

"District of Columbia judge Roy Pearson loses a $54 million lawsuit against the owners of a dry-cleaning establishment that he claims misplaced a pair of his pants."
-- Surprisingly, he wasn't reappointed to his post after his peers determined he failed to demonstrate "appropriate judgment and judicial temperament." No really, I'm shocked this guy isn't on the Supreme Court by now.

"Pfizer introduces the diabetes drug Exubera, a form of insulin inhaled through a tubular device ... the president of the American Diabetes Association, citing lung-function risks, says, “I see it as my job to talk people out of it.” Pfizer quickly gives up on the product, taking a $2.8 billion write-off."
-- Have breathing problems? Smoke this! Pharmaceutical companies are always looking for new ways to physically impair, main or kill you, bless their hearts.


Yahoo highlights 101-Dumbest Moments in Business | Full list of 101-Dumbest Moments in Business on CNN