Dead Man's Party

People are weird.

Here's what happened: About a month ago, one of the tenants in our apartment building died. It was all a very big, overly dramatic deal because he kicked it in his armchair and the paramedics had to take him away under a blanket. Morbid!

It wasn't someone I knew, so I didn't exactly mourn his loss. Call me a cold hearted bitch but whatever. People die every single day and I just can't be sad for all of them.

Anyways, they finally got around to cleaning out his place but there was some stuff left over. We received a notice on our door that today, God's holy day, the manager will open the dead guy's apartment and allow everyone to pick through the last of his belongings like some kind of post-mortem swap meet.

Neighbors were giddily plucking through a bunch of crap they didn't need, some of them taking armloads of second-hand dead guy stuff back to their place.

Somehow, I just don't find that type of behavior appropriate. When someone dies, some people practically fall over themselves trying to get first dibs on the deceased's personal belongings. It's tacky and lame.

Even I have more respect for the dead than that.

Today's Forecast: Leafing. LEAFING?!

My weather widget calls for ... leafing. Seriously, what the almighty hell is this? First of all, it's January. Any leaves have fallen. Not to mention I'm in Southern California, everything is basically green all the time. One of the reasons I moved here, but not the point.

Leafing? I really want to know what that means.

Actually, I'll tell you what it means. Technology is dumb.

I Lost My Umbrella

With sporadic downfall and the threat of rain all weekend, I toted the little collapsible black umbrella I bought in a rainstorm during Mardi Gras in New Orleads.

I joined some friends for "Brady Brunch" at the Boulevard restaurant in West Hollywood.

I met Mr. John Brady himself, who was super sweet and funny and just lovely all around; I was having a gay old time. Then work called and I had to rush off to help them with some stupid thing and of course I forgot my umbrella. With such a large group of people, some of whom I did not know, it's unlikely anyone even noticed it hanging on the back of the chair -- or if they did it's even more unlikely they'd instinctively know the owner. Especially after another few rounds of mimosas, which I assume followed my departure.

I lamented this to our resident news room hottie, Coop, to which he replied, "I lost my umbrella a long time ago."

It always tickles my dark places when the most mundane things are made to sound overtly sexual.

By the way, I'm convinced no matter what you search for in google images, it will result in NSFW results. Y'all are just lucky I thought the naked guy was funny (yet tame) -- otherwise, I would have gone for the chick with the umbrella stuck up her poondada.

New Study States the Obvious

A new study has linked drinking with -- wait for it -- promiscuous sexual activity.

No fucking way! That's sincerely groundbreaking. I don't mean the sex and drinking part, I mean that they actually had to perform a study to determine those results. A new level of scientific stupidity.

You don't have to conduct any survey. Just look at that picture above, all shitfaced and about to pass out on the floor.

Sexy.

Sick Sad World

"Sometimes what's right isn't as important as what's profitable."
--Trey Parker and Matt Stone (creators of 'South Park')

From Doggy Prozac to jackets lined with dog fur: 101-Dumbest Moments in Business

It's nearing the end of 2007, did you know? I can always tell, not by the calendar but an over abundance of lists and lists of things we were supposed to care about but probably didn't.

Below, I've picked some of my favorite dumb moments in the legacy that will be '07; thanks to those Forbes bitches for doing the work for me! They're quoted, my personal quips follow.

"Lawyers representing Procter & Gamble send a 66-page cease-and desist letter to British sex-toy company Love Honey, demanding that it stop using images of its Oral B electric toothbrushes to promote a product called the Brush Bunny; a rabbit shaped piece of plastic that slips over the top of an Oral B to turn it into a vibrator."
-- While in Central America earlier this year, my friend and I met a vibrating tooth brush enthusiast who swore by its magical clitoris-stimulating powers. No plastic applicator top needed. When questioned about his continued use of the toothbrush for it's intended purpose after such activity, his reply was "I already ate that pussy anyway, so what's the difference?" He's by far my favorite American tourist in a foreign country I've ever met.

"Rapper Jay-Z, founder of the Rocawear clothing line, is taken to task by the Humane Society after it finds that the “faux fur” in jackets sold by his company is actually dog fur."
-- Yet another reason never to purchase items from a celebrity clothing line.

"Japanese manufacturer Toto apologizes to customers and offers free repairs for 180,000 high-tech toilets, thrones that feature heated seats, air purifiers, blow dryers, and water sprayers, after at least three catch fire. "Fortunately nobody was using the toilets when the fire broke out," says a company spokesman. "The fire would have been just under your buttocks."
-- Ass fire is awesome. Even potential ass fire.

"Co-op Funeralcare, a funeral home in Dunfermline, Scotland, says it is investigating reports that employees routinely used the cremains of the departed to keep passersby from slipping on icy sidewalks. “There’s every chance people living nearby will have walked through the remains,” an ex-employee says."
-- I guess they were out of salt.

"The state of Connecticut sues Best Buy for setting up in-store kiosks set to a website that looks identical to bestbuy.com but lists higher prices than those they would actually find online."
-- Oh, price gauging is illegal now? Let me know when Connecticut sues the gas companies.

"District of Columbia judge Roy Pearson loses a $54 million lawsuit against the owners of a dry-cleaning establishment that he claims misplaced a pair of his pants."
-- Surprisingly, he wasn't reappointed to his post after his peers determined he failed to demonstrate "appropriate judgment and judicial temperament." No really, I'm shocked this guy isn't on the Supreme Court by now.

"Pfizer introduces the diabetes drug Exubera, a form of insulin inhaled through a tubular device ... the president of the American Diabetes Association, citing lung-function risks, says, “I see it as my job to talk people out of it.” Pfizer quickly gives up on the product, taking a $2.8 billion write-off."
-- Have breathing problems? Smoke this! Pharmaceutical companies are always looking for new ways to physically impair, main or kill you, bless their hearts.


Yahoo highlights 101-Dumbest Moments in Business | Full list of 101-Dumbest Moments in Business on CNN

I Almost Died

That gash on my neck is from a fence post.

One day, I'll win a Darwin Award, which honors those who improve the species...by accidentally removing themselves from it.

As I will be dead, I'd like to make my acceptance speech now. First of all, I can't help it that I do stupid things. Rather, I say stupid things happen to me. I mean honestly, I didn't know pressing the wrong key on the elevator was going to take me into a locked car port from which there was no escape.

This is how it happened: It was my first time in this building; I thought "G" was for "ground." As I was on my way out, again for the first time, I discovered it meant "garage."

Unfortunately I stepped through a door -- as I was digging in my pocket for my keys -- and it locked behind me. All I was trying to do was get to my car and drive home. This is a stupid thing that happened to me, and the only way out was to out dumb the situation.

All of the doors were locked and the gate didn't have a sensor. I tried jumping in front of it a few times to test it out. No dice. In the very back of the garage there was a metal door leading outside, with an open space between the top of the
door frame and the underground prison, er, garage ceiling. There were large metal spades spiking up from the top of the door frame, but still enough room to fit through. It's not like those things actually deter criminals and they sure as hell weren't going to keep me from tasting sweet freedom.

Naturally, I climbed over the door. Just as I reached my left arm over, my foot slipped on the handle, and I had about three inches before a big metal spade impaled me. It nearly did, but somehow I pulled some Matrix-style shit out of my ass and twisted around just as it scraped the skin. And yes, I landed on my feet.

Damn, I thought. I've got to be more careful on this next try.

Unfazed and headstrong, I cleared the second attempt without issue. Others might have called upstairs and had someone come down to get them, but I wasn’t about to let some stupid door get the best of me.

Lost and Found

Have you ever been out and about, walking around -- say, to your car -- gotten completely absored while typing a text message on your phone and then looked up and you were all like, "Where am I?!"

Yah, that happened to me earlier today.

Speaking of zoning out, plopping my hot ass in front of the boob tube has gotten to be my worst habit. I've been talking about this over at my other blog, where I write about self-improvement and being a better person and pussy shit like that. While it's true that as an entertainment news editor I have to keep up with pop culture, watching re-runs of The Simpsons is not work related.

It's just a bad habit. By the time I come home from the gym, shower and make myself something to eat, I'm ready to relax. Then I sit down to eat in front of the TV and start flipping channels and get sucked into some random CSI episode. I love that show.

And those ghost-chasing shows. And plastic surgery specials. And static. Color bars.

Therefore, I grounded myself from television!

Speaking of breaking certian habits, writing entertainment news over the past several years has started to change the way I write, espicially at my current station because we're really trying to punch everything up. I've noticed I use too many exclimation points. It! Has! To! Stop!

I'm still working on it, and trying to find my way.