I Almost Died

That gash on my neck is from a fence post.

One day, I'll win a Darwin Award, which honors those who improve the species...by accidentally removing themselves from it.

As I will be dead, I'd like to make my acceptance speech now. First of all, I can't help it that I do stupid things. Rather, I say stupid things happen to me. I mean honestly, I didn't know pressing the wrong key on the elevator was going to take me into a locked car port from which there was no escape.

This is how it happened: It was my first time in this building; I thought "G" was for "ground." As I was on my way out, again for the first time, I discovered it meant "garage."

Unfortunately I stepped through a door -- as I was digging in my pocket for my keys -- and it locked behind me. All I was trying to do was get to my car and drive home. This is a stupid thing that happened to me, and the only way out was to out dumb the situation.

All of the doors were locked and the gate didn't have a sensor. I tried jumping in front of it a few times to test it out. No dice. In the very back of the garage there was a metal door leading outside, with an open space between the top of the
door frame and the underground prison, er, garage ceiling. There were large metal spades spiking up from the top of the door frame, but still enough room to fit through. It's not like those things actually deter criminals and they sure as hell weren't going to keep me from tasting sweet freedom.

Naturally, I climbed over the door. Just as I reached my left arm over, my foot slipped on the handle, and I had about three inches before a big metal spade impaled me. It nearly did, but somehow I pulled some Matrix-style shit out of my ass and twisted around just as it scraped the skin. And yes, I landed on my feet.

Damn, I thought. I've got to be more careful on this next try.

Unfazed and headstrong, I cleared the second attempt without issue. Others might have called upstairs and had someone come down to get them, but I wasn’t about to let some stupid door get the best of me.