Mother Fuck!

I absolutely had to take a sick day today because I was up with the chills all night. When I would finally wrap myself in enough blankets and such to fight the freezing cold running through my body, I'd break out into a sweat.

I actually started to choke on my own stink.

Around noon, I finally had the strength to get dressed and seek medical attention. Turns out Tuesday is street sweeping, so there was a $45 ticket waiting for me on my windshield.

That got my blood boiling.

When I made it down to the free clinic, the lovely lady at the front desk politely told me that -- because I have insurance -- I don't qualify to receive care there. I'm not being sarcastic; she was actually really super sweet about everything.

Since she was about the only person I haven't wanted to kill in the past 48 hours just for looking at me (I'm homicidal when ill), I asked for help. I told her I'd called my doctor's office to make an appointment yesterday, but they can't get me in until next week.

I'll be dead by then.

She explained that all I needed to do was call my health care provider and get to an urgent care facility.

So I did. Urgent care is right around the corner on Wilshire. They're open after-hours, starting at 5:30.

Mother fuck!

It was really awesome of my doctor's office to let me know that when I called, so I could have gone yesterday after work, instead of waiting another day.

If I die, I want the entire world to know how much I hate...everything. Except the lady at the free clinic. She was hot.

Kill Me Now

I'm sick again.

I blame it on the news room bitches. They're always passing stuff around.

Oh, how I hate them.

Finally!

I think I've actually decided to quit this time.

For really real.

24 hours and counting ...

Stay tuned.

Steal My Beauty :: Moisture Secrets

Running a day late because I've been out of my mind this week. Let's get right to it!


Aloe Vera Gel :: $9

I don't know if I need to say this every single week, but I'm a hot bitch on a budget. Word.

This product is a true beauty secret. Cooling aloe vera forms a protective barrier that helps retain moisture. Fruit of the Earth contains the highest concentrated amount of fresh Aloe Vera leaves on the market. Look for 100% gel with only aloe vera, no additives.

Allegedly, aloe vera gel promotes healing and has other medical properties. It's great right out of the shower, but most fabulous after shaving. Or course we all know aloe very helps relieve sunburn and rashes. It can be used all over for just about anything. Sometimes I put a little in my hair as conditioner. It's also said to treat acne.

The only drawback is that it's a bit juicy. You may want to only use it at night.

Besides, you want to protect your skin with SPF during the day.


Aveeno Face SPF 30 :: $10

Apply to the face, neck and any other exposed skin. Daily. Duh.

It always seems to me that people want some magic secret that delivers a desired result without any effort. It really doesn't work that way. Being smart is the secret. Use your head. To prevent sun damage and premature aging, use sunscreen. Daily. Seriously, it does not get easier than that.


Udderly Smooth :: $5

This is how I keep my udder so smooth. Ask anyone, they'll tell you I have the smoothest love handle in town!

As the name suggests, the original formula was applied to cow teats. Yee-haw!

Definitely a bit greasy, this is reserved for really dry skin problems. Like when my heels get about as dry as sandpaper after going too long without taking the pumice stone to them. Slather being a key and sexy word here, I cover the problem area with the creamy white udderly smooth and cover with sox.

Skin so soft, it's like buttah. Seriously.

(More) Words

This has been a really busy week and I've been fighting a cold. Most of the posts have been about a day behind because I throw a few thoughts together in a draft sometime during the day, but don't have time to complete and post them until the next morning. Technically, that means I'm blogging everyday so blog365 can kiss my ass! I'm following the rules.

Somewhere in my mind I believe there are agents of blog365 trolling the interwebs keeping track. I'm fucking paranoid. My mind is clouded with visions of suddenly waking up wearing a pillow case over my head, tied naked to a chair with electric probes attacked to my balls and being tortured until I confess that I really don't post a new blog every single day. Check my post dates! I shriek before passing out in a puddle of wet pleasure. I mean horrid pain.

Anyways, let's not talk about my sexual fantasies. I'm losing focus and my pants are getting tight.

Now I don't know about you, but I love words and using knowledge like a weapon. There is nothing like making somebody feel like a dumbass. Talk about satisfying. The best part is it's not that hard to do. The world is full of really stupid people.

Unfortunately, many of those stupid people write for a living. As a writer myself, there is a time and a place for sloppy writing. For example this blog. It's written so quickly and haphazardly I hardly even bother to spell check and my grammar is shit. But that's the style and you can love it or leave it. Professionally, however, it's a different story. My facts are checked, sentence structure well thought out, and my use of words is accurate.

I often read something and wonder if the author actually knows the meaning of the word they just used. I've all but given up on tasking people on the correct use of "ironic" for example, because that word is so commonly misused there's just no hope. For the record, there are many things that are strangely coincidental, but that does not make them ironic. Please look up that word.

There is a little game I play with myself when I spot a misused word. First I determine what I believe to be the word's meaning, and then check the dictionary. Sometimes I'm right, other times I learn new things. And yet there are times I just really like a word and want to add it to my vernacular. All the while, I jot them down on a post-it. When I have multiple post-its pile up, I transcribe them here.

Do you know these words?

ENGENDER
en-jen-der | v.
To produce or cause, create, develop, or bring about


RECALCITRANT
ri-kal-see-trant | adj.
Showing repugnance or opposition; stubborn resistance


REQUIEM
rek-wee-uhm | n.
In music, a Mass for one or more dead persons, containing biblical passages and prayers for the admission of the dead to heaven


APOPLECTIC
ap-ah-plek-tek | adj.
Furious to the point of having a stroke


DEFENESTRATE
de-fen-es-trāt | tr.v.
To throw from a window

Toe Thumb

Sweet baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

I sincerely thought my eyes were deceiving me when I saw this photo with the accompanying headline; "Carpenter Replaces Severed Thumb with Big Toe."

Toe Thumb!

Obviously, having an opposable thumb is a good thing -- about 40 percent of hand function depends upon it -- and as a carpenter he clearly works with his hands. I'm all for freaky Dr. Frankenstein-type surgery, but I would suggest however, after you've cut off your own damn thumb that maybe it's time to rethink your career path.

A Very MySpace Meme

I have a love-hate relationship with mySpace.

Of course it's great to meet new people from all over the world and keep up with friends both far and near ... but there's a let down when nothing is happening on the boards and my inbox is empty. However, I do appreciate the irony of a social networking site that makes me feel unloved.

Still, when you're bored, there's nothing better than a list of random questions to pass the time. So let's begin!

If you had to delete one person off of your top friend's list, who would it be?
"whom" not who, and nobody

Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. You...
Wave?

Your best friend tells you she is pregnant. What is your reaction?
Joy

Name one thing no one can ever take away from you?
Pride

When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Basically every moment of every day

What is the last thing you spent money on?
Afrin 12-hour nasal spray; that stuff works wonders but it's supposedly addictive or something. You can only use it for three days. It's like a horror movie! (in raspy voice)...three...days...

Who is the most attractive female on your myspace friends list?
Suppository Spelling


What is the last thing you ate that had onions in it?
Ick. I hate onions. They taste gross and upset my tummy.

Do you think you gained or lost weight this past month?
I drop pretty easily and have been fighting a cold, so it's likely I've dropped a 3-5 pounds. To quote 'Romy & Michelle's High School Reunion,' "Getting mono was like, the best diet ever."

Crunchy or Puffy Cheetos?
Crunchy! OMG Cheetos are my favorite white trash treat.

If you had to sleep with one of your teachers from high school, who would it be?
Ew. Old and gross.

The first person on your friends list just called you a bitch. What do you have to say to them?
Thank you

Congratulations! You just had a son. What's his name?
Evan or Jaron, I suppose, depending on how gay I want him to be.

What are you craving right now?
A new cell phone

What was the last thing you cried about?
Health Ledger's death made me start thinking about all this shit on my way home from work yesterday. It had been a long, hard and crazy day, it was cold, raining and gloomy all around, I've been sick, plus some other personal shit. It just all came to a head. When I parked outside my apartment, I just started balling out of control. For about 30 seconds and then I was done with that.

When you buy something and the change is 2 cents, do you keep it or tell the cashier to keep it?
Keep it. The cashier is already getting paid. That's my change, bitch.

What color is your tissue box?
Grey

Do you have a ceiling fan in your room, and if so, is there dust on that fan?
nope

What is the last voice mail you received about?
Random dinner invite

Have you ever blocked someone on Myspace before?
Yep

Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?
Probably getting robbed at gunpoint

Do you wear a name tag at work?
nope

What kind of car do you drive?
Silver Jetta. I know, so gay!

What do you order when you go to Taco Bell?
I generally avoid fast food, but the Bell pulls me in now and then. I like the bean burrito and soft spicy chicken with an apple empanada. Oh, and the nachos bell grande!

Have you ever had a garage sale?
People have shared garages and therefore 'yard sales' in LA, but no.

What color is your iPod?
That's my personal, private business and I thank you very much.

What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?
Corona

Are you happy right now?
No. I'm annoyed at work.

Who came over last?
Tomas

Do you drink beer?
Only when offered

Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
No, but we used to tell my little brother we had another sibling in between that we secretly disposed of and made it look like an accident. Tragic

What is your favorite key chain on your keys?
I just have my big Jetta remote key thing, and three other keys. I don't understand people who have like a billion keys and all those huge trinkets hanging everywhere. How do you fit that in your pocket? I don't get it.

What was the last movie you watched at home?
The first half of 'Spiderman 3' before I got bored and went to bed

What is in your pocket?
My keys in one pocket, the other, my phone -- which is on vibrate. Text me, I could use the thrill

Who introduced you to your bf/gf/husband/wife?
People always seem to approach me directly. I'm easy like that

Where do you hurt?
I'm fighting a cold so my head and everything connected to it hurts right now

Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear?
What am I, 12?

What DVD is in your DVD player?
Probably pilates or power yoga

What's something fun you did today?
I sent Jimmy a picture to say good morning

What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?
Wal-who? I would never shop at that crappy piss stop. Target is just a dressed up Wal-Mart so I hate that place too, although I begrudgingly shop there because they have cheap stuff for kitty.

When is your birthday?
April 7

Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?
Scooby-Doo air freshener

How many states in the US have you been to?
Obviously Ohio, because I grew up there, California because I live there now…and every state in between as I drove here from there. Twice. I've also been to Florida, West Virginia, Michigan and Mexico

What kind of milk do you drink?
Non-fat or soy

What are you going to do after this?
Probably write about Heath Ledger or Britney Spears (occupational hazard).

What about your favorite dessert?
German chocolate cake, or anything chocolate, basically

What is something you need to go shopping for?
Cat food, as well as people food. Notice how I put the cat first! I'd make a good daddy.

Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?
Aside from my last name, no. Both my brothers share middle names with family, mine was intentionally different. It's like they knew I was about to break the mold.

What kind of car do your siblings drive?
I honestly have no idea. They live far away.

Do you like pickles?
Pickle Sickle!!

Is someone in love with you?
sigh

What color is your couch?
Light blue

Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?
No

Does someone like you right now?
I probably have a few stalkers out there. Haha. Actually there is supposedly some dude here at work that likes me, but I don't know who he is or what he looks like. His blabbing girlfriend who works at the cafeteria told me. It's a little creepy. But hot.

Say you were given a pregnancy test right now. Would you pass or fail?
I'm sure I could take the test without any problem. It doesn't seem like it's that hard to piss on a stick.

Favorite pop-tart flavor?
Chocolate, strawberry, blueberry

Do you know anyone in jail/prison?
Not currently.

What are your plans for the weekend?
Big birthday bash for a longtime friend Friday, hopefully catching up with an old friend Saturday and possibly going to an 80's-themed party in the valley. Sunday is rest day.

Do you like the color green?
Blue & green are my fav colors

Who was the last person to send you u a text message?
Jay

Last restaurant you went to:
Thai

How many hours did you sleep for last night?
5 to 6

Do you swear at your parents?
Only if they have it coming

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I'm always thinking of me, so yes

Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
yes

What is your ring tone?
'no holla back girl' -- because I ain't ya bitch

What were you doing at midnight last night?
already asleep

What the FUG?!

I love high fashion as much as the next gay, but what the fug is this?!



Is it ... a hat?

A fluffy dildo?

Big Bird's nelly cousin?

UPDATE: They found Jesus

It's common for people to say they've found Jesus, but this time it's for real.

That chick in Michigan has recovered her beloved concrete Jesus statue.

The story takes a weird turn, as it was revealed a family member stole away into the night with the so-called heirloom. Does this mean the wiener poopie note was a clever ploy to throw everyone off, because if so that's pure genius. Genius! A plan so well constructed, nobody will ever discover the real culprit! Oh, wait.

To protect herself in the future, I suggest she should get GPS for Jesus. It worked in Florida. Seriously.

Believe It

"Wes, you need to believe it; you're smart and funny, you have a good career -- you've got an amazing body and a pretty face -- you can do so much better than those assholes."

-A moment of unabashed truth from a friend, on my choice of men.

They're Holding Jesus Ransom!

Is it wrong to hold Jesus ransom to make a point about weiner poopie?

A Michigan woman, accused of leaving dog droppings around her neighborhood, found her Jesus statue missing with this note:

"We are holding Jesus ransom until you clean up the poopie from your wieners and trust us we see you take your wieners for long walks w/out picking up their poopie in our yards. This has upset us dearly so please clean up all the weiner poopie, if you want to see Jesus unharmed. Sincerely, Lindy Lane Residents."

First of all, I'm curious to know if this note was written in crayon. That would make way more sense. I would guess that if an adult wrote this, they probably have as many brain cells as they do teeth. Secondly, "weiner poopie" makes me laugh.

Steal My Beauty :: Lips

Holy freaking crap it's Friday again already.

It seems like just seven days ago I dipped into my magical bag of tricks to reveal unbelievable truths that are probably still shocking you to your core. While may be derisive, personal hygiene is serious shit. People spend a great deal of time and money investing in beauty and I feel -- as your trusted gay -- it's my job, nay, duty to share my secrets.

So far, we've covered washing your face and smelling good. I never claimed this weekly update was going to break new ground. I merely suggest that the best beauty secrets are surprisingly everyday items everyone can get on the cheap. If you're spending more than $25 on a single product, believe me, I've tried just about everything and you're probably overpaying.

When it comes to this week's product, it is my oh-so-humble opinion that it may in fact be the most overpriced beauty item on the market. I've seen $50 containers of lip gloss that are nothing more than repackaged Vaseline. Read the labels, people!

Blistex Medicated Lip Balm :: $2

Now, I know, when you think beauty you don't think the checkout counter at Target. But for real, Blistex! This stuff is the bomb I swear. It's basically bees wax with sunscreen. It glides on and really seals in moisture to prevent drying. Nothing beats and/or prevents chapped lips better.

Additionally, this stuff works wonders when you have a cold. Got dry, chapped nose holes? Slap on some Blistex Medicated. It also works as a sexual lubricant in a pinch. Okay, that last part is a lie.

Twins Separated at Birth Accidentally Marry

Estranged Twins Unwittingly Marry

Ok, so get this shit! Wait, did you read that link? Well, then you probably already got it. Brother and sister wed! Sickness.

Now, I don't know how it happened -- because I bookmarked the story last week and am far too lazy to go back and read it -- but somehow these two never realized they were related. Really?

So much for all that crap about twins having some sort of physic bond. Bondage maybe, in this case, but that's just gross. Not bondage, siblings doing it with each other. Bondage is hot.

I honestly have to wonder if they didn't suspect something or another. Perverts. Usually perverseness is a plus in my book, we all know this, so of course I started thinking about deep stuff like society and how we establish relationships.

Without the environmental factors in place that predetermine the parameters of their relationship, here, brother and sister -- and twins at that -- developed romantic feelings for one another. Once you strip away general ethics of society, you don't know any better so it can't be wrong. Right?

Yah, confusing.

I'd like to think I'd know better! But who am I kidding. If I have an estranged sibling, I've probably already fucked them. Twice.

Unwittingly, of course.

Today's Forecast: Leafing. LEAFING?!

My weather widget calls for ... leafing. Seriously, what the almighty hell is this? First of all, it's January. Any leaves have fallen. Not to mention I'm in Southern California, everything is basically green all the time. One of the reasons I moved here, but not the point.

Leafing? I really want to know what that means.

Actually, I'll tell you what it means. Technology is dumb.

Blog 365

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Learn Spanish

Today's Phrase: "Puta sucia, que pasa"

Meaning: "What's up, you dirty whore"

Sue Your Drug Dealer

Another reason to move to Canada!

In the land up there, ex-crystal meth addicts can sue their former dealers. -- "In her statement of claim, Bergen said Davey knew the drug was highly addictive and the sale of the drug was "for the purpose of making money but was also for the purpose of intentionally inflicting physical and mental suffering on Sandra."

Bitch overdosed and suffered a heart attack. -- "Bergen is seeking damages in excess of $50,000 for medical costs and legal fees."

She already won the case. A hearing will determine the amount of blood money, I mean drug money, I mean...how much she gets in the case from some dude low enough on the action where he's week by week and probablly addicted himsef. Just saying.

What a wonderful fucked up world we live in.


Ex-crystal meth addict successfully sues dealer

Swinger

mySpace message:

=★= Original Message =★=

From: the freak

wuz up sexy ? hay r u rilly a swinger???????? lol


=★= Original Message =★=

From: Wesley

well, i'm not married, so technically i'm just a slut

Steal My Beauty :: Face

Well here we are, dear reader. FFF!

Finally. Fucking. Friday.

I get a little joy out of this new feature, which lets me prove all those magazine beauty editors shill over-priced products you don't need. There is a certain satisfaction to a low-budget approach. Look fabulous at half the price. That's a smart bitch in my book.

That means it's once again time to let my bathroom be your guide to beauty. This week, I even have an added bonus for y'all. I really couldn't break up these two essentials: face wash -- and -- face scrub.

Cetaphil :: $11

Yup, it's just that simple. Nothing fancy is necessary to properly clean your face.

Cetaphil is a cheap, gentle clenser that works for all skin types. It has a very, very light lather and silky smooth texture that moisturizes. When using, I apply to the face, wet to lather and then rinse. As with anything for the face, also use on the neck.


THIS IS THE RULE: You want to cleanse the skin before exfoliating. Hence the order of products listed here. Yes, I know! I'm always thinking ahead. We don't want you to be half beautiful. This goes for body, too: Always wash first. Otherwise, you're just pushing the dirt and oil around.

100% Pure Strawberry Scrub :: $18

Technically this is a body scrub, but part of being beautiful is using your brain to be more prettier. Some body scrubs are way too harsh and you seriously end up looking like you have rug burn on your face. However, I observed the grains of this concoction were softer in texture and it proved to be a superoir face product.

Plus, I could literally eat the strawberry scrub with a spoon. It's just that yummy. 100% Pure also happens to be a line that vegans can use, at least that's what the label says -- and we all know labels don't lie! Ok, yes, they do. But I think in this case that's the whole point. Not to lie; but to make a vegan product. Anyways, it's good. You may not want to throw down $20 for a face scrub, but it's currently on sale at bath and body works (linked above) for about $9.

Oh, dear reader, there's so much more to come! You'll be looking super-fucking-fly by the time I'm done with you. Trust.

Chinese YouTube

From Best Week Ever, via Tudou.

Meme Thing

What's your name spelt backwards?
Sew. Sounds like a sexy Russian gymnast, or something.

What did you do last night?
Watched TeeVee

The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
Pictures from my camera. Or is that uploading?

Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?
No, but I often suggest it as a fun activity to small children

Last time you swam in a pool?
When I was in Costa Rica

What are you wearing?
Black Diesel fitted shirt with an open button top, Levis jeans and black puma shoes

How many cars have you owned?
First car, a park avenue -- wrecked by a snowplow; second car didn't last very long, traded for Oldsmobile when I graduated high school -- which I had through college and drove to Los Angeles before it got wrecked; had some little blue car but the transmission went out; bought a cheap Ford Escort that finally died after several small crash-ups; now I have a Jetta. I know, Jettas are gay! It seems like there should be at least one more totaled car I'm missing in there somewhere. I'm a good driver.

Type of music you dislike most?
Probably rap. I don't care how old or white this makes me sound, but I don't get a damn thing they're saying! Rappers make no sense.

Are you registered to vote?
Uh, I guess? I honestly don't know it makes any difference who you vote for. The choices are all the same in the end

Do you have cable?
Hi-Def Digital satellite with DVR

What kind of computer do you use?
Dell laptop

Ever made a prank phone call?
Yes

You like anyone right now?
I hate everyone

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
Doubtful. That's just asking for it and if you die it's your own stupid fault.

Furthest place you ever traveled?
I've been to the mutha fuckin' mountain top

What's your favorite comic strip?
Growing up it was always Garfield. Newspapers are extinct now.

Do u know all the words to the national anthem?
Nope

Shower, morning or night?
Usually a quick morning rinse and mid-day after workouts.

Best movie you've seen in the past month?
Sweeny Todd was fun. And bloody

Favorite pizza toppings?
Mushrooms and black olives

Chips or popcorn?
Cheetos!

What cell phone provider do you have?
AT&T formerly Cingular

Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
I've smoked a lot of poles, but never a peanut

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
That would be unfair to the other contestants because they'd have no chance to win

Orange Juice or apple?
Apple

Whom were the last people you sat at lunch with?
Ernie, Norma, Victor this Saturday!

Favorite chocolate bar?
Any

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
Does organically grown from Southern California count? Otherwise it was a long ass time ago on my grandfather's farm.

Have you ever won a trophy?
Hottest bitch alive, three years running

Favorite arcade game?
Double Dragon, now that's old school

Ever ordered from an infomercial?
Yes! I constantly wonder how I ever lived without my thigh-master.

Sprite or 7-UP?
Neither, I don't drink soda

Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?:
You mean like knee-high boots and a jock strap? Only on weekends…

Last thing you bought at Walgreens?
I don't shop there. CVS. And that would be an electric mini-heater fan

Ever thrown up in public?
Yes but not in front of people

Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?
With enough money, I can buy true love

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Not really. But yes. I fall in love at least twice a day with some random hottie passing by.

Spongebob or Jimmy Neutron?
Spongebob

Did you have long hair as a young kid?
Yes

What message is on your voicemail machine?
Huh?

Where would you like to go right now?
I would like to go smoke a bowl in my car right now. BRB

Whats the name of your pet?
Miss Chaos Kitty

What kind of backpack do you have, and what's in it?
Back…pack? I carry a man bag; or "murse" -- man purse. Single-strap, crosses over my chest diagonally. There's a ton of shit in there, including but no limited to batteries , Benadryl itch relief stick, parking gate pass and work ID card, Alka-Seltzer immunity boost tabs and dental floss.

What do you think about most?
Pleasuring myself

BRB -- The Building is on Fire

As you can see from the size of the response truck the Paramount lot sent over, we were in immediate danger. Of laughing our asses off.



Initially there were reports of smoke in the air ducts over in the tape vault, but nobody really paid attention because that's clear on the other side of the studio. Then somebody said the roof was on fire. We're the media and everyone is used to everyone else being over dramatical -- therefore the entire staff continued to work away at their stations.

Meanwhile, I was also typing away with my buddy Christopher via IM. Suddenly, we were being ushered from the building, security rushed in and got all serious. I did kind of smell smoke.

I sent a quick message saying, "BRB -- the building is on fire."

Nothing to panic about. Besides, I'm never too quick to react to reports of a fire. I'm such a flamer I've been known to set off an alarm or two.

I Lost My Umbrella

With sporadic downfall and the threat of rain all weekend, I toted the little collapsible black umbrella I bought in a rainstorm during Mardi Gras in New Orleads.

I joined some friends for "Brady Brunch" at the Boulevard restaurant in West Hollywood.

I met Mr. John Brady himself, who was super sweet and funny and just lovely all around; I was having a gay old time. Then work called and I had to rush off to help them with some stupid thing and of course I forgot my umbrella. With such a large group of people, some of whom I did not know, it's unlikely anyone even noticed it hanging on the back of the chair -- or if they did it's even more unlikely they'd instinctively know the owner. Especially after another few rounds of mimosas, which I assume followed my departure.

I lamented this to our resident news room hottie, Coop, to which he replied, "I lost my umbrella a long time ago."

It always tickles my dark places when the most mundane things are made to sound overtly sexual.

By the way, I'm convinced no matter what you search for in google images, it will result in NSFW results. Y'all are just lucky I thought the naked guy was funny (yet tame) -- otherwise, I would have gone for the chick with the umbrella stuck up her poondada.

Quotable

I'm not telling you it is going to be easy, I'm telling you it is going to be worth it. -- Art Williams

It takes a lot of money to look this cheap. -- Dolly Parton

If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough. -- Mario Andretti

Changing for the better is often more about getting others to accept that you have changed. -- Aries horoscope

Donkey punch me. -- Wes Ferguson

Bug Fight!

Gross. Sad. Werid. JapaneseBugFights.com

AdSense Can Suck My Balls

At the urging of several Internet gurus (bitches who blog for a living), I signed up for Google Ad Sense.

This was several weeks ago while I was still working out some of the kinks with the page design and publishing process so I could actually get everything to show up when and where it was supposed to. Every day from the point of sign up -- and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY -- those adsense fuckers sent me an email requesting I get started right away and put the code on my site. I mean, every day! It was annoying me to no end.

Finally, I got tired of deleting that shit. Of course, the email was automatically generated by a "no-reply" address. I went to the adsense sight and contacted customer service directly. Well, as directly as you can contact any customer service in these modern times. I told them in my most explicit and improper language that I'd put up their code when I was God dammed well and ready, and to get off my fucking back.

They never replied, but the emails stopped. Immediately.

As you can see by the side bar, I eventually got around to putting the ads up.
So there.

Steal My Beauty

So I'm on lé toilét the other day, reading one of those faggy magazines I subscribe to and I came across one of those product round-up review type things.

You need something to read on the potty. Magazines are like little snack-size bytes of information, perfect for about 20-minutes of passing interest without getting too deep -- plus the bamboo rack in my bathroom is cute but not strong enough to hold books. Anyways that's not the point.

As I read the article round-up review thing further, I noticed several things. Obviously, being a writer the first thing I always think when reading any feature is the same: I could have done better

In reality, this was actually a pretty good article. It was well rounded, not to mention one of the choices matched my own.

Now, let's pause for a moment to do a little faggonomitry: If the sum of products equals level of gayness, then I'm queerer than queer. Consider this; let it sink in. Compute, if you will, the sheer volume of potions and lotions at my disposal. Yes, I'm that gay.

While there were a few additional products adding bulk, such as an organic line that was highlighted in the article, I noted little overlap. That is to say each product on the list had a specific purpose for each designated body area. It wasn't like they listed five good shampoos. Just one. It was fairly comprehensive.

In reading page after page of product listings, my own personal arsenal felt dwarfed in comparison. NO! Did I miss a gay-points bulletin? Are there secret products I don't know about? This simply cannot be. I've had a beauty regimen since I was a pre-teen gay, there's no way some dopey lifestyle magazine I was reading on the crapper was going to out do me!

So I made my own God dammed list.

Each week, I’ll highlight one new item. Let my bathroom be your guide to beauty, dear reader.

I wanted to start with the common item: Signature Scent.

Kitson Black for men :: $65

This is definitely one of the most expensive items on my list. I'm one of those frugal bitches. Not to mention -- for the most part -- cleaning products and all that crap is the same shit in different packaging. I always make a point to read the ingredients label on something before I buy it, as there is no reason to spend two or three times as much just because of the label. Falling for that kind of shit is just plain gullible. Cologne is a bit different because they're very complicated and unique. You don't want to buy your signature scent at the .99 cent store.

I picked this one because it smelled good on me. Obviously that’s a key factor, but I can't just smell something in the bottle or a tester and decide on it. I have to smell it on me. My body changes whatever I put on it because I’m so bitter. I mean sweet! I'm made of sugar!

What I like about it: Solid, but not overpowering. The scent is fruity, woody, but not woody like a hamster cage. There’s something weird about smelling like cedar chips, if you ask me.

The packaging isn't over-done or pretentious. It's sleek, simple and classy. Just like me.

Okay, you can stop laughing now, fuckers.

2007: The Year That Came and Went, All Over My Face

And that was that; back to the daily grind like nothing ever happened. It's pretty much the same every year: The clock turns midnight, followed by drunk kisses that eventually lead up to a good, hard fuck. By eventually, of course, I mean 12:05 or however long it takes you to get home/find an empty bathroom stall. Yah, I'm a nasty whore like that.

But seriously, what's left after the ball drops? Pants drop.

Hope you had a good one, I know I did. Happy New Year!