Kitty Are You Dead?

If there's one thing this blog could use more of, its stupid entries about my crazy feline friend, Miss Chaos.

I totally want to be one of those crazy cat ladies when I get old.

This morning, either kitty was hung over (totally possible) or she was playing a new game with me. Instead of a wailing kitty winding between my feet as I stumble awake, there was dead silence. No Kitty. Very strange. Kitty gets fed every day when I wake up. She knows this and is a big fan of making sure I know this as well, hence the usual wailing and feet darting.

She was just laying on the edge of the couch and wouldn't move. It was really unlike her and freaked me out. I called over to her in the darkness of the living room where she sat motionless on the couch (mind you because she's jet black I'm basically looking at a dark spot in the shadows)

Kitty are you dead?

I went over to touch her little head. She popped out of her seat and ran to the kitchen for breakfast. Such a freak.

Kitty has a lot of little games she likes to play...

Ghost (or "let's try to freak daddy out")
There are some advantages of being a black cat, and Chaos uses her extra creepy nature to her full advantage. For one, yellow eyes against jet-black fur is the stuff of Steven King, and kitty always has the same constant expression on her face, deadlocked and threatening. When Chaos Kitty plays ghost, she likes to open cabinet drawers and then run away quickly so I can't see she's the one that opened them. All my closet doors are sliding doors, and she'll paw her way into one of them, causing it to creak. When I come around the corner, she stands far away from the closet, and then slowly turns her head, like she's following something. Then kitty whips her head around, locks eyes with me, and opens her little pink mouth to mew a monotone wail. This "meow" is also a creepy thing she does, because it's always exactly the same. I've had numerous cats, and they have different sounds for different things (dinner, pet me, feed me from your plate, etc.) but her tone is constant, a high pitched and screeching "Wreeh!" So when she does the flip her head around thing, flashing her teeth and maintaining constant eye contact while she screeches, it's rather freaky.

Run away!
When Chaos looks sweet and innocent, she's usually pretending to be asleep. Lying on the floor, unnoticed, kitty will suddenly fly up into the air and run if you start to walk in her direction. I often walk from my office to the kitchen, and she'll make a giant loop in the living room as I'm getting something to drink or whatever, and then as soon as I turn around, she runs away from me back into the bedroom where we started. When I sit down at my computer, she makes a lap around again to the door, and curls up on the floor in the hallway once more.

I'm going outside.
Kitty plays this game when I do laundry and leave the door open while I check the dryer. She steps outside the front door, waits for me to come out of the laundry room down the hall, crouches like she's going to spring into action, and jumps into the apartment running full force for like two seconds, and then stops to clean her paws.

Kitty wants you to pet her but you have to come over here. Now closer. Closer. Now kitty attacks you!
Chaos will rub against you, then lie down a few feet away. When you move over to pet her, she jumps up and rubs up against you again and then lays down again a few feet farther away. After following kitty halfway across the room, when you go to pet kitty, instead of rubbing up against you she attacks your hand.

Let's drive daddy crazy and meow at him until he throws something,
Self-explanatory.

Can I fit into this drawer/cabinet/ box /suitcase/bookshelf?
Also self-explanatory.

If you don’t rub kitty's tummy, something bad will happen.
With her emotionless face and bright yellow eyes like full moons, kitty lies on her back and tilts her head expectantly. In moments, the eyes become more focused and begin to look crazed, as she twists oddly from the waist, slowly turning in a half circle on the floor without changing her position on her back. She just sort of bends in half-sideways, wide eyed, with her paws ever so delicately closed in around her chest. I used to call this game "possessed kitty" and would "exercise the demon" by putting my hand on her head and then releasing it up into the air. Kitty quickly caught on and clutched my hand in all four paws, keeping it flat with her belly and looking at me, unflinching. The name was quickly changed.

Minefield bear trap.
This is a more dangerous version of "rub the tummy" because it includes the possibility of a surprise attack with all four paws, claws bared, described above. As with many of kitty's games, you usually don't know you're playing this one until you're in pain.

Jump up and scare you.
Kitty likes to play this game with guests the most, as they are completely unsuspecting. She appears out of nowhere in a flurry of black fur over the arm of the couch, or directly into their lap at a running start from across the room.

Bite the toes.
Chaos will go up to someone with bare feet, rub her head against their heel, pull her nose back, open her mouth, and bite their big toe. It's like a slow motion shark attack. So cute. When the person yelps in pain, she looks around as though perplexed by their actions.

Trying to trip you.
This is a game of close observation, because Chaos only plays "trying to trip you" when someone is carrying something, preferably large and obstructing their view. It works great when that someone is trying to move a chair under a light so they can change the bulb. Someone has considered renaming this game "kick the kitty."

Kitty also likes to play drinking games. Sometimes I catch her drinking and trashing the place when she's home alone:


One game that Chaos stopped playing was "roll around in a plastic bag." She used to like to take out empty plastic bags from the cabinet and play with them. I have to pause to explain that I save the little plastic bags from stores and use them as trash liners for my smaller receptacles, and as I mentioned earlier kitty likes to open drawers and stuff. Suffice it to say I tried to discourage this, as we all know the issues involving our kids playing with plastic bags. Of course this didn’t stop her and sometimes I would leave a bag on the counter by accident or something. Anyway, one day she got the handle of the bag wrapped around her neck and freaked out when she couldn’t get away from it. She tried to run, but the bag just ballooned out and rattled behind her, completely terrifying the poor thing out of her wits. To this day, when I come home with a bunch of shopping bags she hides in her super-secret hiding spot under the sink, pulling the door closed behind her and mewing feebly.

That Damned New Guy

I thought this picture was a fun disgruntled-looking "grr" pic, then one of my buddies asked me if I'd been arrested recently.

He said "recently" as though it happens so often.

This morning, I was locked out of my own computer. That damned new guy! Grr! See, now the picture makes sense.

I work an extremely early shift, getting in around 5 a.m., which sucks but that's not part of the story, just kind of an aside. Anyways, that damned new guy takes over my station in the afternoons when I leave. Last night instead of logging out, he locked the computer. That meant I had to use another station, which is really annoying because none of my desktop settings are available when I have to do that. Unplugging the computer didn't occur to me. Five in the morning is not a time for thinking.

Since I'm talking about office people, get this. Now, it's not uncommon for people to crowd around any of the executive producers waiting for them to get off the phone so they can ask a question. This was the case yesterday, as I had a very simple question. I was first in queue. In fact, I was the only person standing there. Just then some bitch rushed ahead of me, cut me off and blurted out her question like I wasn't even there. "I had a question about that same story!" I said in my best Snippy Gay Voice.* "That's why I was standing here."

* other vocal selections include Excited Gay Voice and High-pitched Faggot Scream

I'm just kidding, anyone at work reading this, I love my job! Damn, it's only 9 AM. 'The Today Show' is doing an expose on the hidden danger of beauty. This is the life of an entertainment news editor. Yes, I get to watch TV at work, but its dumb crap like this: Disease Expose! You can get an infection at the spa!

Shocking.

Kill me now. Quick, before 'The View,' please!

Squirrelly

Swim squirrel, swim!

I swear, sometimes I feel like that little squirrel, trying to bust my fancy tail up river.

This month is National Novel Writing Month, so I haven't been updating here as often because of that. 50,000 words in 30 days is really a big feat. Swim!

And of course the long holiday weekend kept me both busy and relaxed, however that works out. Yet I notice some of my regular reads have been updating like crazy, one of them six times since I last checked my reader on Wednesday. Six times! That is making me look bad.

Here's some crap I had stored up in my head, like the good little squirrel I am.

# # #
Thanksgiving: Salad Expectations

This year I was thankful the expectations were low. Everyone is well aware that I'm a terrible cook and little was required of me, except to attend some truly lovely feasts! However, I was asked to bring a dish to one of the events, something simple like a salad.

Can you make a bad salad? I wasn't about to find out. Still, I wanted it to be good and kind of fancy, if that was possible.

Using all organic veggies, I mixed a baby green medley with baby spinach, candied pecans, dried cranberries, goat cheese and harvest cherry tomatoes with a champagne peach vinaigrette. It was lovely.

# # #
Vlog

I keep wanting to make my first ever video blog post thing, but then I never do. Honestly, it’s just weird to me. Somewhere in the process I lock up and become very uncomfortable. I’ve created a couple vids, but I just end up deleting them. Is this YouTube stage fright?

I even went so far as to scribe a video reply to one of my favorite YouTube stars, Sean! But then I freaked out and deleted it about three seconds after uploading.

I don’t know how people just flip on record and go at it. I want the perfect camera angle, a backdrop, lighting, you know, diva shit. And my voice! Sweet Jesus can someone get me a Britney Spears filter -- so the queer, man-bitch pitch of my voice will melt your over the eardrums like warm butter.

So, anyways now that’s a thing. A thing I think I am afraid to do, which means I must do it, which means you will see it here first! Stay tuned.


# # #
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the world...

Beauty Queen Triumphs, Despite Pepper Spray Assault
This is pure sabotage. A Puerto Rican beauty queen unknowingly wore makeup that had been spiked with pepper spray. She managed to hold her shit together and won the crown! If you have never been hit with pepper spray, FYI it hurts like holy fucking hell. One time I got a big load shot all over my chest. Pepper spray, yes I’m still talking about pepper spray.


Power Corrupts Local Meter Maid
Rome's mayor fired the city's traffic and parking chief after he parked his car in a no parking zone and displayed a handicapped permit that belonged to an 86-year old woman. I love that he didn’t just park illegally, but also used a fake permit! And who the hell was this woman? Did he kill her for the permit or what?


Another reason to hate Wal-Mart
Evil bastards can take back health care benefits paid out to employees: Wal-Mart reserves the right to recoup the medical expenses it paid for someone's treatment if the person also collects damages in an injury suit. But, you guessed it. This is actually a common health care clause. Spread the wealth!




Well isn't that a happy end note.

More soon. Until then...keep swimming.

Buzzing

Wesley's Great American Smoke Out is a failure!

I'm high off a ciggie buzz. I tried to quit again today. Again, again.

One is better than 10, or five or three, right? Right! I feel better now.


# # #
Gay smoke out. The only smoking these gays endorse is smoking cock!

Mystery Word: Choad

Choad is the Word of the Day.

What is a choad? Well, some random web site I was on today asked that question. I forgot to link it, sorry.

I could swear to Christ on a cracker this term means you're starting to pop a boner, getting wood, semi-hard; a soft-on. You get the idea.

My dumb ass had to comment, because in my furry little brain I clearly recall this movie where this guy said he had choad, meaning he was getting turned on. I admit, I believe this movie to be 'Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure 2' and it was actually evil robot Bill that said he was getting "robot choad" but still. Somehow that is burned into my brain.

Except now I can't support this theory. I've Googled it all day to no avail. Honestly people, this is the ridiculous crap that spins around in my head.

According to Answers.com, "choad" is:
Synonym for penis, used in alt.tasteless and popularized by the denizens thereof.

They say: "We think maybe it's from Middle English but we're all too damned lazy to check the OED." [I'm not. It isn't. —ESR] This term is alleged to have been inherited through 1960s underground comics, and to have been recently sighted in the Beavis and Butthead cartoons. Speakers of the Hindi, Bengali and Gujarati languages have confirmed that ‘choad’ is in fact an Indian vernacular word equivalent to ‘fuck’; it is therefore likely to have entered English slang via the British Raj.

Isn't that nice?

Multiple urban dictionary entries claim "choad" is about size; a dick wider than it is long.

Final answer: To call someone a "choad" is basically calling them a big fat dick. If you're "getting choad" that means you’re getting aroused, or if you say "he had a total choad" it means the dick was short but thick.


p.s. -- The spelling "chode" is the past tense form of the English verb "chide", meaning "to loudly admonish in blame or to angrily reproach."

I hope you learned something today, I know I did.

Play Date

I decided to be topical today. Also, I really wanted to use a picture of the GHB toys. That shit is funny.

Not ha-ha funny because some kids are in a coma or whatever, but crazy "funny" like what the fuck is wrong with toy manufacturers in China.

ICYDK, U.S. safety officials have recalled over 4 million Chinese-made Aqua Dots bead toys are coated with a chemical that once metabolized, converts into the toxic "date rape" drug GHB.

Toys from China have a history of recalls and most recently lead-based paint has been fucking shit up. Lead! In paint! That's some uneducated shit that makes no damn sense. It pisses me off when people are so gd stupid.

Anyways, can everyone stop buying toys from China please. Problem solved.

# # #
Isn't Taking Back The Money Enough?

This next item also relates to China, but you have to believe I'm not down on the Chinese. They fluff and fold like nobody else! Yes, that's a racially charged, potentially offensive joke. Sorry the target was there and I took a shot, low blow.

BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese lottery ticket seller has been jailed for life for fraud for taking advantage of a system flaw to cash 28 million yuan ($3.76 million) in tickets illegally, state media said Tuesday.

Harsh! People take money very seriously, but I have to wonder if life in prison is really necessary, especially considering they also confiscated all his property. It's not like this dude was robbing people. He ran "lottery stalls" -- which I imagine are basically little kiosks in a marketplace type setting -- and discovered that he could still purchase tickets with the winning numbers within a few minutes after they were announced. Then he would give them to friends to cash in and split the money with them or something. Anyway, long story short -- busted! The lottery center found the prizes were illegally claimed and police arrested the dude in January. The court jailed him for life and confiscated all his property. That's right, everything!

I wonder what the Chinese would do to those Enron pricks. Death by stoning? I think we gave them a medal or something.

In general, though, I'm a little lax on white-collar crime. Yes he was doing something wrong, no doubt about that. I guess when it comes down to it, I've always felt like there's the natural temptation to take a little more than we have coming and that's just human nature. It's how we get ahead because everyone is trying to screw everybody else over and give them the least amount of compensation anyway.

It's exactly why the WGA strike in Hollywood is going on right now. The people who hold the money and power don’t want to share the wealth, plain and simple. If it was up to them nobody would get anything, they'd bring back slave labor and keep all the money for themselves.

You can't simply contribute to something and expect profits to be tossed out evenly; you've got to take it. I guess I should quality that statement by adding "legally."

Another element is the temptation to take from "the man." It's not like everybody gets a handout. For example I'm a middle class white bitch just trying to make ends meet. Outside of my family nobody has ever given me a damn thing. I've worked so hard for every single thing I have. Sometimes I think that there is an unfair distribution of who gets what. The problem with that kind of thinking is that everyone probably feels that way. If life is unfair, it's likely to be unfair all around. I don't believe there is anybody out there trying to keep me down. The only thing I want to be able to say for sure is that I deserve everything I have, because I've earned it. The person I am today doesn't believe you have to cheat to get ahead -- but it sure as hell helps.

We often justify petty shit by saying we're being compensated, yah compensating ourselves! I think the world would be a lot better off if we could stop trying to excuse our actions and finally admit our flaws. If I do a bad thing I know it's bad, why lie? It's still wrong no matter what so just get over it. If you get caught take your lumps and move on.

Sometimes people get greedy. Greed is a moral issue that can drive an illegal lust, but if it's not hurting anyone why hurt the criminal. Instead of putting some poor fool in jail for the rest of his life, trade his riches for poverty (i.e. take back the money -- already done). To me that's the ultimate punishment for stealing. Next time around he'll just have to work for it.

Kitty!

Not the best shot, but when a baby tiger is four feet in front me I just can't let a moment like that go by. By far the best part of working on the Paramount lot are random transformer displays and baby tiger sightings.

Tricksters

Oh, you almost got me AT&T -- you tricky devils!

On this form, the phone giant asks you to "Provide us with the email address we should not contact"

Sadly, this probably works like 90-percent of the time.

More about marketing weasels from one of my new favorite reads, Avitable!

Words

DERIDE
de·ride | tr.v.
To speak of or treat with contemptuous mirth. To ridicule.

UXORIOUS
ux·o·ri·ous | adj.
Excessively submissive or devoted to one's wife.
[From Latin uxōrius, from uxor, wife.]

FECKLESS
feck·less | adj.
Lacking purpose or vitality; feeble or ineffective.
Careless and irresponsible.

MYRMIDON
myrmidon \MUR-muh-don; -duhn\, noun:
A loyal follower, especially one who executes orders without question, protest, or pity.


..now you can say you learned something today

Wrecked

Oy! Seriously hurting today. Lots of tequila and very little sleep. I'll never learn. Never!! I was really on a tear last night, too.



One of many groups of ghouls grooving on my Prison Bitch costume apparently thought I was being a bit of a brat in reply to their cat calls. At least one chick said something about me being rude. Moi? If she wanted to get all upset and offended, I figured why stop now and snapped at her to shut the fuck up. That's how logical I am when I'm piss drunk, instead of saying something like "Just kidding! Get over it bitches!"

Leave it to me to insult complete strangers who compliment my awesome abs.