I Am Not Engaged To Josh Duhamel

Yet another reason to hate that other, other Fergie. That pop singing twat.

Meanwhile, I wonder if, by chance, she-whore of Black Ice Please fame has been getting my fan mail. I’m only curious because I’ve received a couple -- okay, numerous emails -- from confused teenagers professing their love for my vocal stylings. I want to write back to thank them, but I just didn't have the heart to explain that they've confused some pop icon of the moment with a sarcastic queer in Los Angeles.

Damn her for being way more famous than me. Currently. Just wait until I get on the Oprah book club. That is of course as soon as I finish writing that inspiring, self-empowering and life-changing novel. The one I don't have time or motivation to write, except when I'm pissed off at someone else who stole my name.

Bitch.

I still get a lot of mail meant for that other, other Fergie at my old Web site. I refuse to completely abandon the nickname (it's still my signature) -- I've had it all my life. Anyways, for your reading pleasure, here's a sampling of my mailbag. Spelling and grammatical errors remain for added entertainment.

Will you go to my prom with me next yr and happy almost birthday!!
--Jason

This one sort of tricked me at first, because it was sent to me about a week before my actual birthday. Then I found out the other, other Fergie is also an Aries. [note: MOTHER FUCK! BITCH WHORE FROM HELL! That tramp is getting way too deep in my shit, and I may have to kill her] This is, however, the cutest e-mail ever -- and if it was actually meant for me, I would go to Jason's prom with him. I'm that desperate for a date.

hey fergie, i don't want to bother u cause i know ur busy but i just wanted to know if u regret being famous like other stars? ur the best
--Zack

No, but I regret being mistaken for female celebrities when I'm obviously a dude, dumbass.

Hi Fergie your rich right so im poor right now so can I please give me 2 millon dollers if you say yes come to my give me a call ... (phone number and address were provided but kept confidential). Please my dad is so poor he got fired from his job so i had to use my friends computer to wirgt you this! Also I love your song Glamorous!! PLEASE FERGIE PLEASE BUY! BUY!
--Hannah

OK this is my favorite piece of "fan mail," like ever in the history of ever, for so many reasons -- not the least of which is because this dumb bitch doesn't know the correct spelling of "bye." Two MILLION dollars? Hell no, you crazy little brat. You don't go around asking people for that kind of money, learn some damn manners! Since you were also dumb enough to send me your address, I should look you up and come to your house just so I can smack you in the head. With a brick. That's awful of me. This little ho is probably all of five. Whatever! To hell with her and her broke ass daddy.

Fergieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
--Florencia

This is what my REAL fan mail looks like. I think.