Bad Santa

The Canadian post office, along with their police squad, are on the hunt for a very naughty little boy or girl -- who wrote obscene letters to children on behalf of Santa Claus.

Damn, why didn't I think of that.

"Dear Timmy,
You're annoying, ugly and stupid! It's your fault your parents got divorced and you made grandma sick, God rest her soul. You deserve a lifetime of nothing.
Love, Santa
p.s. Your dog didn't run away, he got ran over."

Well, that's what I'd write. One can only guess what the letters really said, as the report did not detail their content. However the author skillfully implied the recipients were scared for life. As a writer, I admire that -- you have to do something to keep it interesting.

Now, you may be asking yourself: how did all this happen? You see, our neighbors to the north have a special H0H 0H0 Canadian postal code. Return letters from Santa are in fact written by employees and volunteers. Mystery solved. Postal employees should never be trusted because you never know what's going to set them off. Everyone should know this by now.

"We firmly believe there is just one rogue elf out there," a Canada Post spokeswoman said.

A rogue elf? Enough with the lies, bitch. This is what people get for deceiving children -- Christmas is a fraud!


(Story: Reuters)